


Returning Only to Say Goodbye

by IvyCpher



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Ash Lynx is dead, Canon Compliant, Crying, M/M, Okumura Eiji Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-19 06:29:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29746392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvyCpher/pseuds/IvyCpher
Summary: As soon as Eiji lands in Japan he learns about Ash's death. Distraught, he returns back to America as soon as he can while fighting so many of his own feelings.
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	Returning Only to Say Goodbye

Eiji had never thought that he would be returning to America so soon after he had just left. But then again, he didn't think that the next time he would see Ash would be at the viewing before his cremation either.

This wasn't supposed to happen… it wasn't supposed to end like this. Ash had been through Hell and back all for what? For nothing. Not a moment to himself in peace. Not for a trip to Japan. Not to finally live without worry of Dino or worry about avenging his brother and Shorter and Skipper.

Death was so cruel. It seemed to Eiji that it was even more cruel than life. Life had planted Ash down in such a place and time that would lead him to live a life that no person should have to suffer through. Life picked out all of Ash's suffering, but Death collected him just as his suffering was through… Was that all Ash was born for, to suffer?

As soon as he thought that, Eiji knew it wasn't true. If Ash had been born to suffer indefinitely, then he thought that he wouldn't have been the same person. No, Eiji knew that not every moment for Ash was full of suffering. He at least knew in his heart that there was more to Ash's life than that… because he had experienced a few of those precious moments with Ash that had neither been filled with suffering nor tainted fully by grief. Like when Ash had tried teaching him how to shoot his gun or how Eiji had invited Bones and Kong over to surprise Ash with a little Halloween party...

Eiji remembered those moments well and he held them close to his heart. He felt them inside him, warm and full. He hoped to never forget them, like he hoped he would never forget Ash. He would  _ never  _ forget Ash. Not in a million years, not when the sun would eventually collapse in on itself, and surely not as long as Eiji was alive. There was nothing with a force great enough to make Eiji forget Ash.

Eiji never thought that he would return to America so soon after leaving. But there were a lot of things that he never thought as well… It seemed the things he expected the least were becoming more prevalent in his once so small life.

Having spent nearly all of the plane ride back to Tokyo sleeping, Eiji was surprised to find that he was still tired once he and Ibe got off the plane and retrieved their luggage. He was so tired that it seemed that all the excitement and fear he had been through in America was finally catching up with him. Eiji yawned into his elbow as he followed Ibe outside the airport, pulling his rolling luggage behind him.

They stood under the outer lights of the airport, the rest of the world looking rather dark except for a stray headlight or flash of a phone screen in the parking lot. It was sometime after midnight, but Eiji couldn't be certain to the exact minute.

"Better turn your phone back on, Eiji." Ibe said, looking back at him as they maneuvered throughout the many people both entering and leaving the airport. He sighed, "Your mother is going to kill me if we show up even a second late. If you go without returning one of her texts or something from now on when you're with me she might assume that you've ran off."

Smiling tiredly, Eiji nodded as Ibe walked away to a place with less people to call for a car to take them home. He looked around and sat on the nearest bench, taking his phone out of his pocket and powering it on as he did so. He had shut it off completely on the plane. It took a minute, but when the blue screen turned on, he quickly typed in his passcode and was brought to the homescreen of his phone. He smiled at his homescreen, it was a photo that Kong and Bones had taken during the Halloween party at the condo. How they guessed the passcode to get into Eiji's phone in the first place was a mystery entirely. But the photo was simple, it was of Eiji and Ash sitting together on the couch under a shared blanket with plates of food in their laps. They had been watching a scary movie when that picture was taken, but Eiji couldn't remember which one.

Eiji didn't have long to study his homescreen, however, because suddenly all of the notifications from the 14 hour flight popped up at once. There were well over 50 of them. The number of them is what surprised Eiji the most, he  _ never  _ had that many notifications. He pulled down his notifications tab just to see what they all were and his blood instantly ran cold. 27 of them were missed calls from Max. That in itself was enough for Eiji to know that there was something wrong. Before he could check out what his other notifications were or who they were from, his phone started ringing in his hands.

Max was calling for the 28th time in a 14 hour period, and Eiji was finally able to answer it.

Hurriedly, Eiji swiped the button that would allow him to take the call but he did it so fast that it didn't take. He swiped again and luckily he was able to answer the call. Slamming the phone to his ear with such a force that he hurt the shell of his ear, Eiji spoke into the phone. "Max? What's wrong?"

On the other end of the phone, Max sounded startled that Eiji finally answered. "Thank God I got a hold of you," He sighed and then went quiet for a few beats. His silence pressed down upon Eiji like an enormous weight. "It's Ash."

All at once, Eiji felt as though he couldn't breathe. A thousand and one horrible scenarios ran rampant through his mind of what could have happened to Ash, each one more horrible than the last. "What happened? Is he okay?" He asked quickly. Eiji felt so angry with himself, the moment he left something had to happen to Ash. He… Even though he wasn't that strong or good at fighting, he thought that if he still would have been in New York then he could have been some help to Ash. He could have protected him from whatever happened to him.

"He's… Eiji, Ash is dead."

Eiji blinked. His heart was beating a thousand times per minute and his hands were shaking. He couldn't have heard Max say that, no. No, no,  _ no.  _ He would sooner believe that he had forgotten English for a second rather than believe that. Ash… dead? After he had been through so much? After  _ they  _ had been through so much? No… That couldn't be. "What do you mean?" He asked, his voice barely more than a whisper in the receiver. "Ash isn't-" Out of the corner of his stinging eyes Eiji saw Ibe returning back to the bench where he was sitting. Ibe was saying something to him, but Eiji heard none of it. The world was dead silent except for Max's voice.

"Eiji-" Max took in a slow breath, his voice breaking over the phone. "Ash is dead. I'm… I've been trying to reach you, but you've of course been on the plane. I'm sorry."

All the tiredness that Eiji had felt just minutes ago was gone. He felt wide awake, but this had to be a bad dream. He opened his mouth but he didn't say anything, he  _ couldn't  _ say anything. What was there to say? Ash… was dead. It couldn't be true, but why would Max lie to him? "How…" He began, gasping for breath, realizing that he hadn't breathed for sometime. Tears ran out of his eyes and he quickly wiped them off on his sleeve. "What happened?"

"Eiji?" Ibe was back now, standing over him and looking extremely worried. "What's wrong? Are you alright?"

Eiji didn't even have the strength to shake his head, he just kept the phone pressed against his ear. He looked up at Ibe with his tear filled eyes and Ibe immediately froze. "Is it Ash?" He mouthed. All Eiji could do in repose was close his eyes causing two fat tears to roll down his cheeks.

"He was stabbed." Max spoke softly. "He-..." He took a deep breath, "He was mostly likely stabbed outside of the New York Public Library shortly after you left. He died inside."

_ 'Shortly after you left'.  _ Those words pierced Eiji like a knife. If he hadn't left so soon, maybe he could have helped Ash… Maybe he could have prevented him from getting hurt. Maybe…. "Didn't anyone help him?" He asked, keeping his eyes shut tightly to prevent anymore tears.

On the other end of the phone Max was silent for an amount of time Eiji couldn't tell. It could have been seconds but the absence of his voice- the one thing tying him to the rest of Ash felt like it was paused for hours. "He didn't ask for help, Eiji. He died in the library, he didn't ask for help. No one knew."

Eiji didn't understand, he  _ couldn't  _ understand. After all Ash had been through, why would he just give up like that? Why… Why would he leave Eiji all alone with his heart set on seeing him again. It didn't seem like Ash not to put up a fight, not to try and keep on living. Eiji couldn't wrap his head around it and he didn't know if he very well wanted to. Because… if he understood Ash's death then that would mean that he really was gone forever.

"Eiji?" Max spoke again over the phone and Eiji realized that he had not spoken in some time.

Opening his eyes, Eiji saw that Ibe had sat down next to him and was looking at him with concern. He wiped his eyes once more, his face feeling exceptionally hot. "I'm here." He said, but he wasn't there. He felt like he was a million miles away on some planet undiscovered by man.

Eiji heard Max sigh on his end. "I don't- I know how you felt about each other, but I don't want you rushing back right this moment." He said, his voice not completely stern, but still making a command of Eiji. "Get some sleep, see your family. They've been worried sick about you these past months, and rightly so… You owe it to them to see them before you come back."

"Come… come back?"

"For the funeral. We can postpone it until you come back, but since Ash- since he wished to be cremated."

Shaking his head despite the fact that Max could not see him do so, Eiji spoke up. His voice was stuffy from crying. "You won't have to postpone it. I'll come tomorrow morning, the first flight that I can."

"Eiji-" Max sounded tired, "You need to see your family."

"And what do you think Ash was to me?" Eiji snapped. The sound of his own voice sounding so angry in his ears shocked him. He took in a deep breath. "Max, I appreciate your concern for my family's feelings but… this is important to me. I can't- My family hasn't seen me in months, a few more days won't be anything compared to that."

After a seconds silence, Max spoke. "Alright." By the tone of his voice, Eiji knew that he would not force the issue anymore. "The viewing will be the day after tomorrow and the cremation will be after."

A question formed in Eiji's mind that he was surprised that he hadn't thought of it sooner. "Max?"

"Yeah, kid?"

"Who did it?" Eiji's voice had calmed. He didn't feel angry, all he felt was a strange emptiness. Like he was hollow. He had already passed up one offer to kill someone who had then gone on to worsen Ash's life… He didn't know if he would pass up the offer to take revenge on the one who ended it.

"We don't know. People have been questioned but there's no witnesses. The library's surveillance cams didn't capture anything either."

Ash was dead. Ash was dead and they didn't know who did it.

"Okay." Eiji said. "I'll see you soon, Max." And then he hung up without waiting on Max to respond.

Ibe didn't wait a second to question Eiji about what happened. "Eiji, what happened to Ash?" He asked, putting his hand on his shoulder. "Is he alright? He isn't-?"

Closing his eyes again so he wouldn't have to look at Ibe, Eiji nodded. "He's-.... He's dead." He had never imagined that it would feel worse to tell someone else that Ash was dead, to spread that horrible news, than to receive it himself. But upon saying those words, the emptiness inside Eiji began to feel like it was boiling. "He's dead, Ibe." He said it again and the boiling feeling inside him spilled over like a pot forgotten at the stove. "He was killed." Eiji opened his eyes, he had begun crying again but he did not move to wipe his tears away.

Ibe looked shocked, his hand on Eiji's shoulder stiffened before he slowly pulled it away. He reached inside his jacket for a travel sized pack of tissues and offered them to Eiji, but Eiji refused them. "I'm sorry." He said quietly. "I'm sorry that I can't say anything to help you, Eiji. I know I can't." He put the tissues away and glanced down at the ground. "And you're leaving tomorrow morning? I'll come with you, and… Well I don't know how much help I'll be but I'll try to convince your mother of the seriousness of the situation."

Silently crying on the bench, Eiji nodded. He knew he should feel grateful to Ibe for all that he had done for him, and all that he was continuing to do for him, but he couldn't feel a damn thing. He wiped his eyes on his sleeve again, uncaring about the curious eyes that glanced their way. 

Just then, a car pulled up next to the curb. Ibe checked his phone and stood up too. "This is us." He said quietly to Eiji, putting a hand on his back and steering him in the direction of the car.

Eiji's brain felt so full that he couldn't take in what was happening, but that didn't bother him. He got in the car with Ibe, their luggage in the back, and then was silent as it drove off taking them home. The driver made friendly conversation with Ibe, who even in that situation was able to act as if nothing was wrong. Eiji didn't hear a word they said. He was lost in his own head, the only place where Ash still was alive and well.

The ride felt like a mere minute to Eiji, but of course when your head is in a different place time tends to go fast. One second they were just getting in the car at the airport and the next Ibe was tapping him on the shoulder and bringing him back to reality. "Eiji- Eiji, we're at your house."

Blinking, Eiji noticed that his eyes were sore. He looked out the window and indeed saw his house. His mother had left the front porch light on for them. His mother was a stern woman, he did not look forward to facing her and telling her that he was returning to America already. But there was no doubt in Eiji's mind as he got out of the car and grabbed his bag from the trunk that his mother had stayed up waiting for him to return. On another day, had Eiji not just gotten such horrible news, the fact that she had stayed up to see him come up would have made him feel glad. Now all he felt was anxious.

With his fingers feeling numb around the handle of his rolling luggage, Eiji waited until Ibe thanked their driver and joined his side before starting up the little path to his house.

"Eiji," Ibe began as they arrived at the doorstep. "Do you want me to try and explain first?"

"No," Eiji stared at the door to his house, not wanting to open it. Too bad that his father would not be home. His mother had texted him earlier that day before the flight, a time that felt like years ago in that moment, and told him that his father was working the night shift at work and would not be there to see him return. His father had the ability to calm his mother when she became stubborn with her own ideas. He was the one who helped Ibe convince her to let him travel to America in the first place. But now it was all up to Eiji to explain to his mother what he had to do. Afterall, in his time in America he had done more frightening things than talk back to his mother. "I can do it, thank you."

Eiji raised his free hand and opened the door, it was unlocked. He stepped inside and took off his shoes, Ibe copying him. The house was quiet, but Eiji knew it wouldn't be for long. Leaving his bag in the front room, Eiji moved towards the kitchen. A few of the lights were on in the house so it wasn't too dark, but it was clear that his mother was the only one up.

Ducking into the kitchen, Eiji immediately saw his mother at the table. She had fallen asleep at it with a cup of tea that was still steaming right in front of her. Just as he had expected she had been staying awake for him. And as much as Eiji wanted to let her be and sneak off to his own bedroom, he knew things would be a thousand times worse for him if he did that. If he was going back to America the next morning, he was going to have to wake up his mother and tell her.

"Ibe?" Rubbing the back of his neck, Eiji looked behind him at Ibe. "She might be a bit mad when I tell her… You can go to the guest room if you want."

Ibe looked torn between helping Eiji and the offer of not getting yelled at by his mother. "Are you sure? I said I'd help you after all. I don't want you to tell her alone if you don't want to."

"No, it's alright… You can start looking for plane tickets, I hope there's some available this close to when we want to leave." Sighing, Eiji looked at his mom. "She's going to be mad."

Ibe patted Eiji gently on the back. "You can make her understand, this is something important to you after all."

_ Someone.  _ It was someone who was important to Eiji. He nodded and watched as Ibe slowly turned around and left the room. He stayed quiet and listened for the sound of the guest door opening and shutting before releasing a big breath he didn't know he had been holding.

As quietly as he could, Eiji stepped closer to his mother. "Mom?" He asked quietly, putting his hand on her shoulder and giving it a gentle shake. "Mom… I'm home."

His mother gave a little jerk and her eyes fluttered open. She looked at Eiji for a second, almost as if she were confused, then immediately smiled. "Eiji, you're home!" She stood up and hugged him.

Eiji felt a bit awkward hugging his mom with the news he brought, but he did it anyway. "Yeah, I'm home…" He forced a small smile as his mother stepped out of the hug to study his face for a moment. "But, mom-" He began quietly.

His mother yawned, cutting him off. "I'm so sorry I fell asleep." She picked up her cup of tea from the table. "I've been waiting up for you all night, Tsukimi too… Oh, I tried to make her go to bed, but she insisted. She fell asleep on the sofa  _ hours  _ ago though." She waved her hand through the air and leaned sideways a bit to peer through the doorway into the living room.

Unable to help it, Eiji turned around and looked into the living room too. By the light of a single lamp he could see his little sister slumped against the arm of the couch with their dog Buddy in her lap. Both of them were fast asleep. He missed her, he really did and his heart would have been breaking at the thought that she had stayed up just to see him, but his heart was already broken. "She's just like you, she does what she wants." He muttered, turning back to his mom. "But, mom-"

"I'm just so happy you're home. Where's Ibe? Did he already go up to bed?" His mom looked around as though she expected Ibe to be hiding in the kitchen. "He must have known that I was going to give him a good talking to about letting you prolong your stay in such a dangerous part of America." She shook her head and put her cup down. " _ How  _ that man and your father even managed to convince me to let you go is beyond me. But you're back now! Oh, I've missed you, Eiji."

Biting back words of how it wasn't Ibe's fault that he had stayed in America and got caught up in so much danger, Eiji looked away from his mother. "I've missed you too, mom, but I'm going back."

Immediately silence filled the kitchen, but it was not the calm and sleepy silence that had filled the house when Eiji first returned home. No, this silence was tense and heavy all around them. Even though Eiji was a good bit taller than his mother, the silence pushed him down and made him slump.

"You-" Eiji's mother began, breaking that awful silence. "Eiji, you cannot be serious!" Since he had looked away from her she reached up and cupped his face, turning it to look in his eyes. One second was all it took for her to know that he was indeed serious. Her face hardened and she removed her hands from his cheeks. "What do you mean you're going  _ back?"  _ His mother asked, all the cheer in her voice from having her son home gone. "You just got home! That place is too dangerous for you, Eiji!"

"Mom, I  _ have  _ to go back!" Speaking louder than he meant to, Eiji put his hands to his chest. "There's- my friend, the whole reason why I stayed longer in the first place-"

But Eiji could not finish his sentence because his mother cut him off, her voice rising. " _ Friend! Friend?  _ What type of friend is some murdering gangster? He put you in danger, Eiji! You went to the hospital because of that delinquent!" Her face was flushed and she stepped closer to her son, getting far too far into his personal space. "You could have died because of that man! And you want to go back?" She breathed heavily. "You want to leave us again for some man you just met to live in some dirty, dangerous city,  _ and for what?"  _ She yelled, her voice the loudest it had been all night.

"Because he was kind to me, mom!" Eiji screamed back, unable to help it. His mother's stern face melted away in surprise from him yelling at her, something he never did. "He didn't have to be kind to me, he didn't have to  _ save me!  _ He could have left me to die and saved his friends, his friends that he had known far longer than me!" The tears came again and Eiji didn't even know that he was crying until he found it difficult to breathe with how hard he was crying, how angry he was at his mother, and how angry he was with himself. "Friends of his who ultimately died because of me, because he  _ chose  _ me."

Breathing heavily, Eiji looked away from his mother and wiped his eyes. She was still silent, most likely in shock. That was good, it meant that he still had the floor to speak, but Eiji absolutely hated crying infront of his mother. It made him feel so-  _ vulnerable.  _ He hated being coddled by her when he felt like that, at least then she wasn't trying to console him.

"You talk about Ash like you knew everything about him." After he finally calmed his breathing and more or less stopped his crying, Eiji looked back at his mom. "But you don't know anything about him. You shouldn't make assumptions about people like that it's- it holds people back and it holds  _ you  _ back from learning the truth." Right above his eyes his head was beginning to throb in a painful headache. A headache was the last thing that he needed at that moment, but at least the growing pain in his head would keep him from getting too mad. "I… Ash was the best friend I've ever had, mom. And I wasn't there when he needed me, when I could have helped him one last time. I  _ need  _ to go back to him now."

His mother, although still looking a bit shaken, began to speak. "How important must he be, Eiji? How hurt must he be? If you want to go back to America to be with him now, that must mean he is okay. Please- just stay home at least a while longer." She didn't sound mad anymore, she sounded remorseful and tired. "I missed you, I'm sorry. I'm your mother and I've missed seeing you around. I hate knowing you're in such a dangerous place so far away where I cannot help you if you need it. He must be okay… your friend, if you wanted to go back. Just go back a different time. Please, Eiji."

"Mom, can you just  _ stop?"  _ Eiji stepped away from his mother. He hated hearing her talk about Ash, talk about New York… All things she knew nothing about and would never truly understand. She wasn't there like he was. She didn't know Ash like he had. She hadn't loved him like he did. His mother was so stubborn and Eiji hated it. He hated that he had to explain to her. "Don't you get it?" With his headache he was trying to keep his voice from growing too loud so he didn't make it worse. "I  _ have  _ to go back. I have to go to Ash. I have to be there because I was already too late before. I already left him. This is the last time I'll ever get to see him because he's dead! I need to see him, mom."

Eiji's mother looked genuinely upset. She slowly sat back down in her chair at the kitchen table. Her tea had gone cold in the heat of their argument. She was quiet for a moment. "I am sorry." She whispered. She looked up at Eiji and shook her head slowly. "Your friend… I am sorry, Eiji." She looked away from him to the kitchen floor. "I… I am a harsh mother to you, I know I am." She looked back to her son. "I  _ see  _ that I am in how you talked to me." She sighed, leaning back in her chair and putting her hand over her eyes. "Go to America, Eiji. See your friend."

For a moment Eiji just stared at his mother. He wasn't sure whether or not she had more to say. But when she stayed quiet and did not move from her spot, Eiji turned around to leave the kitchen. He stopped at the doorway, "I missed you, mom." He said quietly, then left the room.

As Eiji stepped into the front room the grab his luggage his legs were nearly taken out from under him. Making a sound of surprise, he looked down to see his dog Buddy looking up at him. Her tail was wagging wildly and her whole body was shaking with excitement.

Eiji let go of his luggage and kneeled on the floor. "Buddy!" She immediately ran into his chest, sniffing him everywhere and eventually putting her paws on his shoulders. "I thought you were asleep with Tsukimi?" He asked the dog and then realization hit Eiji. He looked past Buddy and saw his little sister Tsukimi standing in the doorway.

Eiji gently pushed Buddy off of him and stood up from his place on the floor. "Hey, Tsuki." He said. "Did we-?" He looked through the wall towards the kitchen and put one of his hands in his pocket, the other he used to scratch Buddy behind the ears. "Did you hear us?"

Tsukimi was Eiji's younger sister by nine years. Despite their large age gap, however, they got along quite well together. They were very close and when Eiji suffered his pole vaulting accident that kept him from practicing the sport and ultimately sent him into a depressive episode, she was always there for him. He loved his little sister dearly and ultimately felt far more comfortable talking to her than his mother.

Tsukimi looked in the direction of the kitchen and nodded. She quickly moved over to her brother. "Yeah, I heard you." She was quiet for a moment, watching Buddy's tail wag. "You're going back to America?" She asked, getting directly to the issue at hand without beating around the bush. She looked up at Eiji and did not look disappointed, but just a little sad.

Nodding, Eiji stopped petting Buddy. "Yeah… I'm going to be going back. I would have stayed there if- if I had known what had happened to my friend, but I didn't find out until I got off the plane." His headache was still there, but with all the anger and stress of arguing with his mother gone, it hurt far less.

"What was his name?"

"His name was Ash and he was a very strong person."

It felt different for Eiji to talk about Ash to his sister. Maybe it just was for the fact that he was closer to her than he was his mother, or maybe it was because he knew she would understand. But Eiji didn't worry about her making assumptions. Tsukimi never did that. If she had a question or didn't understand something she asked about it and found it out for herself.

Tsukimi slowly moved forward and hugged her brother, her cheek pressed against his stomach. "And he died, didn't he?" She asked. When Eiji nodded she looked up at him. "That must hurt. Like how it hurt when we lost Sprinkles." She added after a moment of thought.

Sprinkles had been the cat that they had had since Tsukimi was a baby. He had died two years ago. Tsukimi had been inconsolable when it happened. That cat was the first thing, pet or otherwise, that she had had die in her life.

"Yeah," Taking his hands out of his pockets, Eiji bent down and returned his sister's hug. He held on to her tightly and closed his eyes for a second. "So that's why I'm going to America again, to attend his funeral and to-" He hesitated. "To say goodbye."

Separating herself from the hug, Tsukimi began to pet Buddy, who had picked up on Eiji's sadness and laid down on the floor quietly. "I'm happy he is your friend." She didn't say 'was', she said  _ 'is' _ . Something that stood out, like it had been bolded to Eiji. "How long will you be gone?"

Eiji shrugged and turned back around to grab his luggage once more. "I don't know. Maybe… Maybe a week. I made some other friends in America who knew Ash and- I don't want to leave them alone right now."

Tsukimi nodded knowingly and pushed a lock of her black hair behind her ear. "Good. You shouldn't leave people alone when they're sad. I missed you, Eiji, but your friends need you to be with them."

"Thanks, Tsuki." Eiji said and he absolutely meant it. It felt good to know that she understood his pain and that she knew why he had to leave. "You should go to bed. It's late and I need to go talk to Mr. Ibe to see when we're leaving tomorrow."

"Okay."

Then together Eiji and Tsukimi began to walk down the hall towards their separate rooms. She went right towards the stairs, with Buddy following at her heels, since her room was on the top floor of the house, but Eiji continued straight. His room was in the very back of the house past the guest room where Ibe was.

Before going to Ibe's room, Eiji put his luggage in front of the door to his own room. Then he walked back to the door of the guest room and knocked. As soon as Ibe told him to come in, he did.

Ibe was sitting on the guest bed, with his phone in his hand. "How'd it go with your mom?" He asked, but by the tone of his voice Eiji knew that he had heard everything and was just trying to be nice about it.

Eiji didn't really know how to respond, he sat on the floor and brought his knees up to his chest. "Well… She's letting me go without a complaint now." He sighed. "I think I upset her, but I don't have enough emotional energy to care about that right now."

"I'm sure she'll be fine… She doesn't understand what you're going through." Ibe said. "But- it doesn't seem like I can fly with you to America today."

The first thing that caught Eiji off guard with that statement was that he was to be flying to America that very day. He had forgotten the time, it was well past midnight then. Meaning that it was the start of a new day. The second thing was that Ibe would not be coming with him. "I thought you said you were coming with me?" He asked, sitting up some.

"Hey, hey!" Ibe put his hands out in front of him. "I'm still coming, don't worry. There just wasn't enough space on the flight leaving in a few hours. I'm catching the next one. I'll be there for the funeral but you'll have to be there without me for a little while." He put his phone down on the bed and looked at Eiji carefully. "Will you be fine alone like that?"

Feeling slightly reassured, Eiji nodded. "Yes, but I won't be alone. Max will be there, so will Kong and Bones and the rest of A- the rest of the gang." He finished hurriedly. Although the person who he most longes to see would not be there, Eiji knew that if he was just around even one of the friends he had made in New York that he would never feel alone. "When does the flight leave?"

"In about five hours."

"Five hours?" Eiji jumped up. "That's hardly any time at all and I still need to shower and repack my bag! When do I have to be at the airport?"

"Three hours-"

Feeling absolutely drained with his headache returning, Eiji quickly left Ibe's room and went down the hall to his own room. Ibe followed him into the hall, "I'll call you a car to take you to the airport, okay?"

"Okay," Eiji said before grabbing his luggage and rushing into his room. Not two seconds later he came back out. "Thank you, Ibe… For everything."

Smiling softly, Ibe nodded. "You're welcome."

Returning the smile somewhat, Eiji went back into his room and shut the door. Despite all there was for him to do, being in his room after so long seemed to overwhelm him. His room was always the one place that he could go when he wanted to be alone or wanted to feel safe. But in that moment it felt empty and void of all the usual comfort it brought him.

Sitting down on his bed, Eiji looked around his room. Not just for the fact that he hadn't inhabited it in so long, but also because so much had happened to him recently… the room felt like it belonged to someone else. The posters on the walls, the books on the desk, even the blankets on the bed didn't feel like his. Eiji felt like he was intruding in someone else's space, but there was no someone else, there was just him and the fact that he had changed.

Eiji fell back on his bed and stared at the ceiling. His bed felt cold under him. This wasn't how he had pictured returning to Japan… He never thought that such a thing would happen, that it would happen so soon. Eiji had thought that the evil had been defeated and that he and Ash could spend time together without having to worry about anything that two  _ normal  _ teenage boys wouldn't worry about. He had thought that the next time he would see Ash would be when he used the ticket that he bought him to visit Japan…

Eiji had thought a lot of things and now it seemed that what felt like all of them were never going to happen. He put his hands over his face and willed himself not to cry. He had work to do, he had to get ready to catch his flight.

With that thought in mind, Eiji still laid in bed for ten minutes longer than he should have with his mind absolutely blank except for snippets of Ash and the plans that he had for them together in Japan. After finally willing himself to get up, he emptied out his suitcase of all his clothes and filled it with clean clothes from his closet. He didn't have a suit to wear to the funeral, but he did have a black dress shirt and dress pants. So he packed those instead.

All there was left for Eiji to do then was to take a shower. Taking a shower didn't make him feel any better emotionally wise, or headache wise. But showering provided him with a nicer feeling than being alone in his room with his thoughts. At least then he was alone with his thoughts while being scalded with hot water. But still, his mind seemed to wander to things Eiji didn't want to think about. To thoughts and feelings that not even 12 hours ago, were his daydreams. How so quickly things could change.

Eiji's skin was still pink from his shower even after he got out and dressed for his flight. He felt… uncomfortable in a way he couldn't place. Maybe he just desperately wanted to go back to America to see Ash one more time or maybe it was because he felt like there was nothing for him anymore. Maybe he was just grieving. Eiji didn't know, he had never lost a person who he had been close to. His life was very sheltered to that of human death until he went to New York. He felt like his skin was tight. Not from the shower and not from anything else explainable by any medical doctor. It just seemed like there was so much inside of him. Too many thoughts and feelings to fit inside his one body. That his skin would crack like an egg and release it all any second.

When it was time for Eiji to leave his house, he didn't hesitate even one second to rush outside and to hop into the car that was going to take him to the airport. He wanted to leave as soon as possible, being early didn't matter. He just felt like he needed to leave. To Eiji's surprise, however, shortly after he got into the car Ibe ran out of the house.

Eiji told the driver to not leave yet and quickly rolled down his window to speak to Ibe. All he could think of was that someone else was hurt. What other reason would Ibe have for rushing out to see him seconds before he was going to leave? Eiji didn't know if he could withstand having someone else he cared about being hurt. He didn't know if he could stay whole. He thought that he would just break, shatter into a million pieces.

"What happened?" Eiji asked, his voice full of worry as soon as Ibe reached the side of the car. "Who's hurt?"

"What?" Looking confused for a moment, Ibe shook his head. "No one's hurt. I just wanted to see you off and to tell you to be safe."

"Oh-.... Thank you…" Eiji felt embarrassed, but the sentiment behind Ibe's actions made him feel the slightest bit better. "I'll text you when I get there."

Nodding, Ibe stepped back from the car and nodded at the driver. The driver then looked in the rearview mirror at Eiji who told him it was okay for them to leave. The car started up and Eiji looked out his open window at Ibe and his house until he could no longer see them. Then he rolled up his window.

Thankfully for Eiji, the driver did not try to talk to him. He didn't really want to talk to any stranger at the moment. In the silence of the backseat, he pulled out his phone. It was on low charge, but that didn't matter. It would last him to the airport and when he got there he could charge it.

Eiji had been too distracted by his own thoughts at his home to even remember all of the other notifications he had left unread. He figured that the car ride to the airport would be a good time to check them. He clicked on and unlocked his phone to see that the rest of his notifications were texts from Bones and Kong. A pang went through his chest as he opened their texts and read them silently to himself. All of their texts felt frantic and worried, repeatedly telling Eiji to call them the second he was able. Neither of them said it though. That Ash had died. But of course that wasn't something you sent through text.

Not wanting to talk at that moment, Eiji created a group chat with himself and Kong and Bones. He thought for a second, it would be around five in the morning in New York. He wondered if they would even be up to receive his messages. Nevertheless, he typed out his first message into the group chat.

  
  


_ Hey. _

_ I heard what happened. Max called me. _

_ I'm on my way to the airport rn… Will you guys meet me when my flight lands? It should land at 7PM. I don't want to be there alone. _

  
  


Eiji didn't expect either of them to respond for at least a few hours, that was why he was so shocked to see the little dancing bubble under Kong's name, which meant he was responding, after only a minute after sending the text. He stared at his phone screen, it's dull glow being the only light in the back of the dark car, and waited for Kong to respond.

  
  


_ i'm sorry Eiji. _

_ we'll totally meet you there. Bones is passed out rn. u okay? _

  
  


Despite the fact that he knew Kong was trying to be kind, Eiji really didn't want to talk about his emotional state through text. To be honest he didn't want to talk about it at all. Eiji felt that if he talked about how he felt that he would end up crying. And he really didn't want to cry again. After a moment of thinking how to respond to Kong, he finally typed out his message.

  
  


_ Thanks. See you tomorrow. _

  
  


It was rude to bypass Kong's question about how he was doing and to not even acknowledge his own sadness in the situation of Ash's death, but Eiji didn't want to respond to those things. He didn't want to think about those things. To think about Ash being dead. He was tired of being the polite Japanese man who he was when he first arrived in America. He was ready to start putting his own feelings first. Even if that meant hiding away his emotions until he was ready to show them to other people.

Eiji did not get on his phone again the rest of the car ride to the airport, or even while he waited in the airport for his flight to board for that matter. He found it hard to think and often stared into space for long periods of time without even realizing it. He couldn't help it and he couldn't describe it. But there was a wall keeping him from thinking properly.

The flight felt like the hardest part of the night for Eiji. Fourteen hours of him not being able to do a thing, being so close but yet so far from where he needed to be. He managed to stay up for the first half of the flight at least, but then the next thing he knew he was being gently tapped on the shoulder by a young stewardess.

"Excuse me, sir. But the plane has landed." She smiled kindly. "You can get off the plane now."

Blinking, Eiji felt caught off guard. He didn't even remember falling asleep. He felt like he was still asleep for that matter. His limbs felt heavy and his brain felt full and clogged. "Uh- thank you." He said quickly, getting up and moving past the stewardess to get off the plane.

Eiji felt different than he had in Japan. He felt terribly anxious, like the worst thing in the world wasn't Ash's death but something else to come. He shivered despite not being at all cold as he stepped out of the plane into the dark airport. There were no stars in the sky above him as he stepped into the bright airport. People were everywhere around him talking and living as if nothing had happened. Of course their lives, their worlds, would keep on going. They didn't know about Ash. They didn't feel loss like a hot knife against their skin. Their lives continued on.

But even so, Eiji did not wish to be one of those people. To be someone who never knew Ash, to be someone who didn't love him. Even though it hurt. Even though he didn't know whether or not he could get over Ash, Eiji would never trade knowing him for anything else in the world. The people around him may not have felt the ache that came with the loss of a loved one, but then they also did not have the great experience of knowing Ash. Of loving him and being loved by him.

Suddenly, Eiji remembered where he was. He realized that he had been standing in the middle of the airport and staring off into space, lost in his own thoughts. Looking around, he felt a bit lost when he didn't see Kong or Bones anywhere. They were supposed to meet him there. Eiji wondered if they were running late. He was just going to take out his phone to check the group chat he had made with them in it when he felt a hand on his shoulder that made him jump.

Turning around quickly, Eiji was relieved to see that it was just Bones with Kong right behind him. He felt a small weight leave his chest as he put his phone back in his pocket. "I was wondering were you two were."

"Sorry," Bones said. His eyes were red rimmed and his voice sounded stuffy. "Traffic was bad." He took his hand off of Eiji's shoulder and put both of his hands in his pockets.

Kong was quickly on Eiji's other side. He didn't look as bad as Bones but Eiji could tell that he had been hit hard by Ash's death too. "Hey. How are you feeling?" He asked. "Did you get your luggage yet?"

Eiji shook his head. "I'm- I'm here I guess. I still need to get my bag though." He looked towards the baggage claim area but his eyes strayed once more to the people around them, unaware of the loss they were going through.

Together, Eiji, Kong, and Bones made their way to the baggage claim in silence. Eiji was thankful that they weren't speaking. Because he knew that if they were to speak that they would talk about Ash. And talking about him, his death, in the airport just seemed uncomfortable to Eiji.

When his bag circled around on the rack, Eiji grabbed it and pulled out the handle so he could roll it on the ground behind him. "Are we going to the condo?" He asked, not looking at either of his friends.

Kong and Bones exchanged a quick look, and while Bones looked away Kong nodded back at Eiji. "Yeah." He shrugged. "It's the best place we figured. Plus it's familiar and that's always best in times like these."

Familiarity. Eiji wondered to himself if anything that he had done with Ash could still be familiar if Ash wasn't there with him. He, however, did not voice this aloud. He felt heavy and he still had that anxious feeling from before, but Eiji had to admit that being with Kong and Bones made him feel better. It made him feel closer to Ash in a way.

As they all made their way to the parking lot of the airport, Eiji hoped that with their help that he could work past what he was feeling. Or even, he hoped that he could even begin to feel the tiniest bit better with their help. He knew he would still be beaten up, still be heartbroken for a very long time. But that didn't mean he would always be like that. Eiji didn't want to forget Ash, but he also didn't want to obsess over him either.

Eiji never thought that he would return to New York so soon. But then again he never thought a lot of things. At that moment, however, one thing was constant in Eiji's mind…. Just how much he missed Ash. Ash was always in Eiji's thoughts from the moment he met him. In life, but especially in death he would always be in Eiji's memory.

**Author's Note:**

> I planned to make this longer but I just couldn't envision certain scenes clearly enough in my head so I decided to cut it.
> 
> This is my first BF fic! I finished it a few weeks ago and am now in the process of reading the manga. I hope everything is in character!!!


End file.
